The Chandler's Wife

Traditional

Audio

This example of "The Chandler's Wife" is performed by The Sassy Lassies (Liza Kay).
Please refer to Cantaria's Copyright information

This can be sung as "I" or "a man" depending whether you prefer first or third person voice. Liza performs it in the third person. The last verse is always in 3rd person. Some common alternatives to the words Liza sings are noted in brackets. The KNOCKS could be claps, snaps, drum beats, etc. -- any sound that implies "censored".

A man (I) walked into the chandler's shop some candles for to buy,
He (I) looked around the chandler's shop but no one did he (I) spy.
So he turned upon his heels and to the door he sped
[alt 3rd line: I was disappointed and some angry words I said, ]
When he (I) heard the sound of a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK up above my head.
When he (I) heard the sound of a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK up above my head.

Well this young man was a bold young man  so up the stairs he sped,
[alt 1st line: I was slick and I was quick, and up the stairs I sped, ]
And very surprised was he (I) to find the chandler's wife in bed;
And with her was a fine young man of most incredible size,
And they were having a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK right before his (my) eyes. 
And they were having a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK right before his (my) eyes. 

When the fun was over and done and the lady raised her head,
She was quite surprised to find him (me) standing by the bed
"If you would keep my secret sir, if you would be so kind, 
You may drop in for a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK whenever you feel inclined."
"You may drop in for a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK whenever you feel inclined."

So, many a day and many a night when the chandler wasn't home,
Down to the chandler shop, for candles he (I) would roam.
But nary a one she gave to him (me), but gave to him (me) instead,
Just a little bit more of the KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK to light his (my) way to bed. 
Just a little bit more of the KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK to light his (my) way to bed.

So, all you married men take heed, whenever you go to town,
If you must leave your woman alone, be sure to tie her down.
Or, if you would be kind to her, just lay her right down on the floor,
And give her so much of that KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK she doesn't want any more.
And give her so much of that KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK she doesn't want any more.

 

Alternately:
This version came from the Digital Traditions database, and although I don't know of anyone who performs it this way, I thought it was an interesting variation.

THE CHANDLER'S WIFE

A tailor boy went to the chandler's shop, some candles for to buy
But when he got there and looked around, no chandler could he spy
So then he shouted loudly out, fit to raise the dead,
When he heard the sound of a * * * , right above his head.(2X)

Well, the tailor boy being a smart young lad, he bounded up the stairs
Determined to find out who it was,and catch them unawares
And there he found the master, with the mistress, making free
And they were having a * * * as plain as he could see (2X)

Now when the master's job was done, the mistress turned her head
And there she spied the tailor boy, a-standing by the bed
She said to him, "If you'll agree to what I have in mind,
Why you can come up for a * * *, whenever you're so inclined." (2X)

So listen all ye married men, who travel from town to town
You'd better keep your wife locked up, you'd better tie her down
For If you do not heed me, just as sure as you have a wife,
Why, she'll be having a * * * most every day of her life.